Embrace The Waiting!

This academic year, I've been taking a course on the Psalms. Each unit of the course is accompanied by a set of meditations. Below is a passage from one of this week's meditations, which are centered around Advent:

But do not ignore this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day. The Lord is not slow about his promise, as some think of slowness, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish, but all to come to repentance.

- 2 Peter 3: 8-9


Waiting.

We (I) often think that when God doesn't fulfill His promises to us (me), give me what I pray for right away, when I want whatever it is that I want, that He is simply being "slow about his promise." But God isn't being "slow"--God isn't "slow" in that sense; He isn't like me, who am not perfectly holy and intentional as He is. I'm human, and I'm a sinner. So, when I don't make good on a promise or deadline, it's likely that I'm swamped, lazy, distracted, or forgetful. But the Lord isn't like that--He doesn't just get swamped or distracted and is definitely not lazy.

And anyways, how long did God's people wait for the birth of Jesus Christ? They prayed and prayed for the promise of God, that He would send us a Savior, to be fulfilled in their time and in a way that they could see. Our forefathers waited and waited--Moses, David, the prophets--they all waited and were faithful, believing in God's promise of the Messiah, trusting in God's timing, even if that meant that they would not see the birth of Christ in their lifetimes on earth. It says in Hebrews 11:13, 39:

All of these (Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob) died in faith without having received the promises, but from a distance they saw and greeted them...all these, though they were commended for their faith, did not received what was promised, since God had provided something better so that they would not, apart from us, be made perfect.

The Lord gave all these holy people, the "great cloud of witnesses," as it says a little later in Hebrews, His word, a promise, and this was their bread--they were satisfied with this promise. They did live to see the fulfillment of the promise of the Messiah on earth, and yet they did not become hardened toward the Lord and break His commandments. They remained obedient and faithful, grateful for what God gave them during their lifetimes.

In the New Testament, we also see examples of waiting, more "witnesses." In the Gospel of Luke, we see Anna and Simeon, who have been waiting for a very long time for the fulfillment of God's promise to them, that they would live to see Jesus Christ. They did not complain about the waiting. At the sight of the baby Jesus, they rejoice, and are filled with gratitude toward the Lord for His faithfulness. And good and sweet it must have been, overwhelmingly joyful for Anna and Simeon to finally see Jesus.

Their joy was a fruit of their waiting. As Peter says, "The Lord is not slow about his promise...he is patient with you." This is an interesting logic. Very succinctly Peter makes his point: it's not that God is slow--it's actually that we are impatient, and God is patient with us. The OT heroes could have said, "Well, because God hasn't sent the Messiah in my lifetime, God isn't faithful." But they didn't live with this kind of bitterness and lack of faith. They persevered. They submitted to the Lord, aware that God loves the whole of humanity enough to wait for the anointed and perfect time to send Jesus Christ into the world. The Lord waited for the right time to send Moses to free the Israelites from slavery in Egypt. The Lord did not wait so long because He forgot that His chosen people were suffering and dying. He waited with purpose, wisdom, and love. He waited for Moses to come along. He waited for the right time, the right person, Moses, to set His people free.

Just so, God waited for the right time to send His Son, Jesus Christ, who is the One who truly sets us all free from the slavery of sin and death.

Our God is a God who waits. He waits with us, because He is with us, which is why His name is "Emmanuel." We could think of Advent as a time during which we are waiting for Him to come again in glory, which is true, or as a time when He is waiting for us to move toward Him, which is also true. But Advent is also a season in which we can acknowledge that wherever we are, whether we're waiting for Him, or moving toward Him, He is with us. This is the glory of the Incarnation, that the Lord God enters fully into our condition, that He might know and have compassion for us in every respect; oh how Jesus must have suffered as he waited for the right time to bring Lazarus back to life. But he did it--he waited for the right time, even though he had great compassion for Mary and Martha, that is, he "suffered with" them.

Waiting well, being outside of and without anxiety about timing, is a part of God's "character." But it isn't exactly so for us, and so He loves us enough to want to give this "character trait" to us, because He wants us to be like Him. We often perceive seasons of waiting, such as Advent, as a time of preparation and discipline, which they are, but these seasons, are also His gift. Who am I, that the God of the universe, would be patient with me?

This is love. This is Love. God's waiting for us to return to Him is an expression of His love for us. Could we not do the same for Him? How could we not love Him in-return and receive this gift of waiting.


Come, Lord Jesus!

'Tis The Season...

...For sharing provocative quotes. From St. Augustine's Confessions, on being a liberal arts university student:

"And what good did it do me that I, at a time when I was the vile slave of evil desires, read and understood for myself every book that I could lay my hands on which dealt with what are called the liberal arts? I could understand quite easily and without the aid of an instructor every work...But I did not use these gifts by making of them an offering to You...And now, my God, I do not blush to confess to you the mercies which you have shown me...O Lord our God...our strength, when it is from you, is strength indeed...Let us return to you now, Lord...Our home, which is your eternity, does not fall down when we are away from it" (4.16).

May the Lord bless us this Advent season as we "return" to Him, as we fix our eyes upon Heaven, our eternal "home." Amen.

Delving into the Campus America movement a bit

Below are some quotes that are making me think. They're excerpted from God On Campus: Sacred Causes and Global Effects by Trent Sheppard. I hope to write more about this book later.

On Discipleship

A rhythm of practical discipleship and steady engagement with suffering people was not simply characteristic of the Oxford Methodists: it was their DNA.

On Friendship

One final thought to keep in-mind about the Holy Club at Oxford, the Great Awakening in the New World and the Methodist movement in England is the enduring friendship the Wesley brothers and George Whitefield shared. Later in their lives they strongly disagreed with each other on certain points of theology...but they still maintained a genuine lifelong friendship, even though it was clearly challenging at times. When George Whitefield died in 1769, John Wesley delivered the sermon at his funeral in London. The Holy Club was not only outstanding for how it helped to shape history; it was also outstanding for the lasting friendships it formed.

...Intentional friendships that include honest conversations, steady rhythms of prayer and practical service to others are essential for healthy spiritual growth.

On the formation of the mind

When the full-bodied message of Jesus is reduced to the saving of souls alone, we fail in our equally essential calling of exercising the mind of Christ in working toward creative and thoughtful solutions for the pressing issues of our age. Learning to think like Jesus is a vital part of learning to live like Jesus....In actual fact, the biblical idea of repentance begins with a deep and thorough rethinking of every aspect of our lives.

Wait...where are we going? ...

Sometime in high school, I began, each time I found myself getting stressed out or anxious, to stop and ask myself this question: What is my ultimate life goal? If I have been stressed or anxious, it has usually been because I've been striving toward the completion of a goal which does not actually matter so much in the grand scheme of things. As a college student, when I became anxious about my studies, I would (try to) ask myself, "What is my ultimate aim in life? To be the perfect student? To get a good job?" No.

Still today, I often ask myself the same question: "What is my ultimate life goal?" To be a good writer? A teacher? A missionary? A wife? A mother? A sister or daughter? Employee? Nanny?" The answer is D. None of the above. We can get caught up in having good goals, even good "Christian" goals or "dreams" such as these, and hold them as being more important and better than the world's simply because they are not "sinful" or what we who are Christian consider "worldly." We can sacrifice a job opportunity, be generous in our financial resources, put all sorts of things on-hold "for the sake of the Kingdom" without having a totally given heart for that same Kingdom. We can act like the older son in the Parable of the Prodigal Son and complain to the Lord, "Wait, I gave you everything, I've been giving you my life, so where's my reward?" A response such as this from us reveals where our heart truly lies--still in this world and not in Heaven. As Tim Keller argues throughout Counterfeit Gods, idols are more often than not good things placed above God.

So, as I have tried to regularly remind myself over the past several years, my ultimate life goal is to be a saint, to be with the Lord eternally in Heaven, and to bring as many people as I can with me through the work of evangelism. This is the only thing that really matters. As Paul writes in his second letter to the Corinthians, our moments of anxiety, suffering, and hardship on earth are collectively all but a "slight momentary affliction preparing [us] for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" (2 Corinthians 4: 16-8). And oftentimes, we should probably look at the hardships and afflictions we suffer and be able to admit, in humility that they are the fruit of our own flesh and weakness not of someone else's wrondoing or weakness.

We can submit to this if we are humble; the Lord is never scandalized by our weakness so neither should we be (something wise someone once said to me). We have only to admit that we are weak, that we are oftentimes idolaters, that we are sinners, and then turn to the Lord and ask him to be the Savior which he purposed to be: "This was according to the eternal purpose which he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and confidence of access through our faith in him" (Ephesians 3:11-12).

The Lord Jesus Christ says to us, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." (Matthew 5: 3). And who are these "poor"? Scott Hahn and Curtis Mitch: "Those who recognize their need for God and his grace. Unattached to this world, they find their security in the Lord and rely on his mercy rather than their merits or material wealth."

May we recognize our need for God and his grace, that we may be able to recognize it when He surely sends it. Amen.

Treasures from Thrift Store Shopping on the West Side of Michigan

I am reading Discipline: The Glad Surrender by Elisabeth Elliot right now, a book about Christian discipline, that is, discipleship. The book is great--found it for 49 cents at a Christian thrift store. You know it's a Christian thrift store when there is a "Prayer Corner" in the store, and the book section is basically all books on Christian prayer and discipleship. Anyways, reading a book on Christian formation reminds me that my mind still needs exercise and formation, and for me, that formation comes from reading books, particularly, Elisabeth Elliot books--she pulls no punches. Honest and eloquent to a fault when it comes to sharing the word of God.

A few days ago, while developing Campus Outreach Academy material, I was recalling Descartes and the Cartesian split. The gist of this theory: our minds and bodies function separately from one another. I first heard of this notion in a university course. Today, apparently, I am still unravelling what I was taught to be true during my college years because in the past several days I've been struck by the falsity yet the impact that this theory has had on my mind and heart (and thus my body--my actions), and lifestyle, as well as our world today, particularly Western civilization.

When do I--we--assent to this theory in our thoughts and lifestyles? When we do not think that, for example, getting enough sleep will affect our minds and hearts; when we do not think that, as Elliot reminds her readers in a chapter entitled "Discipline of the Mind," the discipline of one's body has a profound correlation with the discipline of the heart and soul, our emotions and thoughts.

I was reading the Detroit Summer Outreach monthly update letter a few days ago: people's lives continue to be changed by the rigor of DSO life--the everyday rigor is the gateway to spiritual riches and a renewed heart for the Lord. DSO is a glorious reminder from Him that He is faithful and that He has made us to give our entire lives to Him, and that this giving takes place through our thoughts, emotions, and actions, the whole package.

God tells His people time and again that He made them with a mind, body, and heart and that all of the aforementioned were created to work in unity. He gives us the Greatest Commandment: "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength" (Deuteronomy 6: 4-5). Just as the Lord our God is "one," so we, too are "one." We have been made to reflect His one-ness, and we do when we work to live a consistent life.

But we need to allow ourselves to be disciplined--discipled--by Him. Another example: UCO Summer Household is a rigorous program. The every day, practical commitments help to yield spiritual fruit in the participants' lives because what we do and say has an impact on our thoughts and hearts. Another example would be an athlete; the training of the body has an impact on the formation of the mind and heart.

Yet it is not enough to believe that the Cartesian split is a load of bologna. People who do not believe in this theory still do things oftentimes that do not align what they have professed to believe or think. Added to which, people often think or feel something bad and then act on that thought or feeling--that is a unity of mind and action, but it is not righteous. And righteousness matters.

It's our fallenness that we need to surrender to the Lord. I am a sinner, made of flesh and Spirit; that is the primary reason why my thoughts and actions often run contrary to one another. I need the grace of the Holy Spirit, not myself or a better coach or teacher or the right theory, in order to help me "live in a manner worthy of the call [I] have received" (Ephesians 4). I need God's help if I am to ever be unified in my mind and actions, and not just unified, but conformed to the mind and actions of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Resting and Standing

A couple months ago I read in a New York Times Health article that the majority of the pleasure one takes in a vacation actually does not occur while on the vacation but in the preparation and time leading up to the vacation. And I've been thinking about this health study as I have been preparing for my own summer vacation, mainly I've been thinking about this article as various and random obstacles have arisen in my planning. It might be worse, come to think of it, that I know that the majority of the pleasure in a vacation actually occurs in the planning stage. Good grief--I hope that's not true!

But I trust the Lord much more than I do the New York Times, I hope, and I am called to believe that the Lord's plans are good. I find it ironic that as I plan the perhaps singlemost important and potentially restful period of my entire year, I've been challenged, yet again, to think about what "rest" really is, which just happens to be at the core of UCO's Summer Household teaching program on Ephesians.

I find that the Lord is filling out my understanding of rest through the challenges I've been facing with my vacation plans. True rest comes from trusting in the Lord, and this true rest, as one friend put it earlier this week, is to be fought for, needs to be fought for. They were right to point out that my rest has been under attack, and that God is calling me to fight for it.

Summer Household is wrapping up, and so we've been focusing on "standing" in the Lord, chapter 6 of Ephesians: standing up to the Enemy, spiritual attacks on our identity in Christ. As I "stand" in this fight to "rest," I am reminded that the "rest" I fight for is much more significant than a vacation in July; the rest I fight for is a more eternal rest which comes from the conviction that God's promises are true, that He has good things for His children, that He is to be trusted, that Jesus Christ died and rose again for our salvation. But it's creative on His part to make this fight tangible, to teach me this lesson about rest, through this very real situation of planning a literal vacation, with all its practicals, communications, financial aspects, etc. That is our God. :)

And God never promised me the world's version of a peaceful vacation; He actually promised me just the opposite: "Peace I leave, peace I give to you, not as the world gives." So, we shall see just how peaceful this July vacation is. I think it may be epic, if the grief leading up to it has been any indication of how restful it will be. This vacation may just prove the NY Times wrong.

Uncompromising Discipleship

Another excerpt from My All for Him:

For a long time I could not find the key, the solution, to my questions: What is true discipleship? What does Jesus want? On the one hand, He calls us to an uncompromising discipleship. He calls us to forsake everything, to lose our lives for His sake. He calls us to leave father and mother. On the other hand, we are supposed to honour our fathers and mothers...

...I wondered. What did God want?...I wanted to tread His path, no matter what it cost...He had to make me see the truth about myself before He could show me the right way. He had to show me that I was a poor sinner...The Lord granted me a penitent and crying heart. This experience drove me into the arms of Jesus...It was He Himself--not any particular teaching or any religious doctrine, but rather He Himself who was the answer.

...Yes, all my questions had been answered and all my problems solved. Now I was truly free....I now had part in everything that belongs to this earth and to the whole universe. My love had become all-comprehending, but my love had also remained close to God and bound to the centre of creation.

Just as my life had been unhappy and torn with inner conflicts before I found this answer, so everything was much more happy and more natural afterwards. My life was filled with joy, because I had found the One who loved my soul and whom I was permitted to love above all else with all my soul, with all my strength, with all my being. I found in Jesus my greatest Love, my most intimate Friend, and for almost thirty-five years since then I have gone through life with Him, and over and over again I have told Him how much I love Him, who is my Bridegroom.

Good Christian teaching is a good thing, and I've been blest to be surrounded by it. But sometimes, there's a temptation to put the teaching before the Teacher. The Teacher, Jesus, sometimes, often times, confounds us with His ways. We want to quickly figure out the 'lesson' He's trying to teach us. But sometimes, there's nothing we can do but wait for Him to reveal the 'lesson' in stages, sometimes painfully slowly. It's not that we're failing the school of Christianity. It's not that we're flunking out as disciples. It's not a matter of sin or not sin; it's not black and white. God, in His mercy, just blows our minds, and shows us, time and again, that He is God and we are not. When we can learn to rejoice in this, we will know that we are rejoicing in Him and not in our own self-knowledge, intellect, and self-will. B. Schlink says she "was filled with joy" not when she understood 'teaching' but when she realized how much she didn't understand, and this admission humbled her and brought her to Jesus. Then, she was filled with joy and love and freedom.

Do we want to love God so that we might understand Him and have our way, or do we love Him and want to know Him simply that we might love and worship Him?

There are many things each of us does not understand about God and His mysterious ways, but this unknowing need not prevent us from going deeper with Christ and loving Him fully. It was Adam's and Eve's desire to fully know that brought about the Fall. Can we surrender to this unknowing, and count it as God's security rather as a reason for us to be insecure? It's a challenge in the world we live in today and as Fallen individuals. But God gives us His grace and His Son, that we might be content in being the Father's children, taken care of by Him:

We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. -Romans 3: 22-4.

God is good. Amen.

Resting in Christ

My soul finds rest in God alone
All my hope I place in Him

These are lyrics from one of my favorite Christian songs, "My Soul Finds Rest In God Alone." And I was thinking today: "All my hope I place in Him." Does this mean, "I put my hopes of x, y, and z in Him?" I think more fundamentally, this lyric means to say that my one hope, my only hope, is Him. He is The Hope. When Jesus Christ is hope alone, we do not hope in vain. All reasons to fear, be anxious, and strive cease. We may want x, y, or z, but when those things are hidden in our want of Him, we find actually that "there is nothing [we] shall want."

I've been reading Sit, Walk, Stand by Watchman Nee, and he talks about how when we enter into rest with Christ, we sit with Him and in Him, like a dollar bill between the pages of a magazine. If you burn the magazine, Nee points out, the dollar bill, hidden inside, also goes up in flames. The bill's history becomes that of the magazine's. Isn't this an provocative image? I love it. The image helps us ask these questions: Can we place our desires and other hopes in the magazine? Can we place ourselves in the pages of Christ's story of salvation? How about our sins and weaknesses? Can we let ourselves be hidden in the work of Christ?

In him we have obtained our inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory (Ephesians 1: 11-2).

In a culture and society that says, "Look at me: look how important and special I am, as an individual, look at me and how different and unique I am," it's no wonder that the phrase and concept of being "hidden in Christ," of being conformed to another's image, is so foreign and maybe even seemingly shallow and easy to grasp rather than complex and challenging. Or maybe just plan distasteful. "Imitation of Christ," or imitation, as opposed to being original, is out-of-style. Our world today privileges things which were once 'secret' but then are exposed. One need only to stand in a grocery store checkout line and scan the covers of tabloids or turn on a t.v. to see the plentitude of secrets, scandals, crazy things, and shocking things which have "finally" been "revealed."

I think that oftentimes, to be "hidden," or maybe just to be normal, aware that one's life is really just one in millions, a blip on the radar, in today's society, is really not cool. We give awards to those who are unique, who do new things, who are original, who are, often, bold for the sake of being bold rather than for the sake of the Gospel. What many do not come to understand is that only those who are confident that they are the center of Christ's attention can allow themselves to be hidden in Him and in the world. Think: St. Therese of Lisieux. Mother Theresa.

This is, finally, what true rest is: trust in Jesus Christ and what He has done for us. So many times I think that rest will come to me in the form of a good cup of coffee, a pedicure, a fancy vacation, a good night's sleep, shopping, and any other number of human, fleshy, really good things. And it always takes me some time to recall that true rest does not result from self-edification but from trust in-Christ, who gives us all these good things, including good coffee!

For the Daughter of God

I found this excerpt quite inspiring and think women will appreciate it:

Together with her Bridegroom [the Bride of Christ] builds the Kingdom of Heaven, the kingdom of life, of radiance and joy. Having been called to His side, she is taken up into His life. She let herself be called away from everything else, that she might go through life at the side of Him who has become her All, and so she does not have to rely upon herself. She need to calculate her talents, abilities, and personality. She does not need to consider what is available and what is possible. She has only to reckon with Him, the power of His love. Jesus, the Source of Life for all men, is the Fire of God, the Sun of the whole world, the Hearth of love. Will He not inflame the heart of His bride as well?

-Basilea Schlink, "Bridal Love--A Consuming fire," My All for Him

Seasons of Love

Today, one of my Lenten devotionals, the Magnificat Companion, said this:

"Has Lent been the sum total of my good intentions, or rather a time when I have recognized anew the presence of Christ who comes into my life?...Are you satsified, are you rejoicing, are you in love?"

On the whole, I have not, in past years, thought of Lent as the Season of "Love." I think of it as the season in which I remember what a worm I am, what dust I was formed from, etc. But I can truly say that this season, I've been thinking of Lent as a season of love. Often, and particularly in the world, love is connected to summer, warmth, bright colors, happiness, laughter, and lots of food and drink--not cold, Michigan winters, fasting, obedience, almsgiving, and abstinence.

And yet, the Lord drew two scenes together before me yesterday, two gardens: The Garden of Gethsemane and the Garden in Song of Solomon and gently encouraged me to consider that there may not be as much difference between these two garden scenes as I think. When I think Song of Solomon, I think summer, heat, intensity! When I think of Lent, I have to admit, I think: coldness, a season of measuring my distance from God, a time of looking more closely at my vices, a time for remembering just how un-Godly I am. But the Lord wanted to correct my vision. Here's the particular verse which struck me:

"Come, my lover, let us go forth to the fields / and spend the night among the villages."

-Song of Solomon 7: 12

It is this kind of love that compells Jesus to invite his closest friends to "spend the night" with him, keeping watch on the night before his death. My previous post was about the Garden of Gethsemane and about the friendship of Christ. But even the term 'friendship' falls short of describing properly the love which God has for us and the kind of relationship he desires to have with us.

Suffering, love, death, life--in the Song of Solomon, they get mixed together:

"Set me as a seal on your heart,
as a seal on your arm;
For stern as death is love
relentless as the nether world is devotion;
its flames are a blazing fire.
Deep waters cannot quench love,
nor floods sweep it away."

-Song of Songs 8: 6-7

Imagine if we were to pray this passage to the suffering Christ the night before his death, imagine if we were one of the disciples at table with him. "For stern as death is love." For our sake, Jesus endured death. Can we be as "stern" or "relentless" in our love for him as he has been, through his suffering and death, in his love for us? Jesus Christ did not suffer and die to make us feel bad about our sins. His only intention has been to Love. This is why the Magnificat Companion asks us whether we are ending Lent in "rejoicing" and "in love." Jesus passed through the "nether world" for our sake; can our "devotion" back to him be as "relentless as the nether world"?

All we need to do is stay near to him this week and watch what he does, love as he loves.

On Friendship

These words come from Rumer Godden's In This House of Brede and are quoted by Elisbeth Elliot in "A Strange Peace" in The Path of Loneliness:

The motto was Pax, but the word was set in a circle of thorns. Peace: but what a strange peace, made of unremitting toil and effort, seldom with a seen result; subject to constant interruptions, unexpected demands, short sleep at night, little comfort, sometimes scant food, beset with disappointments, and usually misunderstood; yet peace all the same, undeviating, filled with joy and gratitude and love. "It is my own peace I give unto you," not notice, the world's peace.

Suffering. Crowns of thorns. Often, when we suffer, we are brought to our knees and to the understanding that Christ wants to draw near to us in our suffering, and so we remember, once again, that what He always means to teach us is how to surrender to Him.

But has it ever occurred to us just how much and for what reason he wants to be near to us in his suffering? Has it ever occurred to us that He wants to be our companion in our suffering because He, too, Jesus Christ, fully man and fully God, has desired a companion during his own times of suffering? In the Gospel of Matthew, we see a powerful image of a vulnerable Savior:

Then they came to a place named Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, "Sit here while I pray." He took with him Peter, James, and John, and began to be troubled and distressed. Then he said to them, "My soul is sorrowful even to death. Remain here and keep watch."...When he returned he found them asleep. He said to Peter, "Simon, are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour?" (the full narrative, Matthew 26: 36-41).

Why did Jesus Christ want his disciples near Him while He prayed? Why didn't He just go up to Gethsemane alone? Why did he take with Him specifically Peter, James, and John? Because Jesus, too, wanted--but did not need--friends to be near to Him in His suffering. He has had the same desires and feelings as any human being. He, too, did not want to be alone in His suffering.

I often think of the exhortation Jesus gives to the disciples when He finds that they are asleep as a scolding from the Father: "Watch and pray that you may not undergo the test. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." But it is Jesus here, in all His humanity and vulnerability and glory, who is speaking. Jesus Christ, who is about to be handed over and betrayed by one of His closest friends, wants His closest friends near to Him in His suffering. Jesus Christ, who is also praying that He may not undergo the test His Father is giving to Him, tells His disciples the encouragement they will need to hear in all their suffering: "Watch and pray, that you may not undergo the test" which the Father is going to give to you. Who can say that Jesus does not fully understand us?

We are often like these disciples, Peter, James, and John. We mean well, we are close friends of Jesus, to be sure, but we often "fall asleep" and become unawares of Him in our midst and the desires of His heart. Not only does He want to draw near to us in our suffering; He wants us to bring our sufferings to Him. Our sufferings are a part of His, and our sufferings often "wake" us up, and we find that we have fallen asleep in the Garden and have lost sight of Him. And Jesus Christ, so attentive to the Father and the Father's Will, even in a time of great suffering, continues to encourage us to turn to the Father, to do His Will.

Truly, there is none who can offer us such selfless friendship as Jesus Christ.

Tilling the Soil

The other night a friend and I were debating as to whether I am originally from the country or the city. I argued that I had sort-of come from the country because my folks' house is next to some fields. But my friend is right--I am from the suburbs. And anyways, the field is being turned into a subdivision.

I've recently been thinking about farming, fields mainly. At various retreats and conferences this semester, I've heard about martyrs and people like Hudson Taylor and Gladys Aylward and even my good friend Noelle Gornik who is being called to go to Africa as a missionary. My question has been, "Lord, what are you trying to tell me? Am I supposed to go to China? Korea? Africa? for the sake of mission?

But as questions like these have arisen over the years, the Holy Spirit has gently reshaped such questions for me and narrowed them down to one: "Lord, show me my plot of land in the mission field. All I want is to till my little plot very well, to stay in this plot and till and grow what you give to me." I can so easily look to those around me laboring and compare my little plot to theirs. And it is little because I am nothing without Him, and He gives us the right size of land, knowing what labor He has equipped us for. It may seem like someone near me is growing trees and starting a vineyard, and I am planting flowers, but if that is what the Lord is handing me, then it is His will, and I am content. It is enough to have seed--the Gospel--and it's the seed that is precious. It's a joy to have a little plot of land in God's plan.

We don't have to go searching for a plot of land in the mission field because we're already standing in the part of the field God wants us to be in right now. Yes, He may very well call us to go various places to serve. But I think when we look inside our hearts, we see the field, and we learn that the field begins with our hearts. The first field we are given, the first field that God wants us to till, the first field He wants us to let Him till is the field of our hearts. I could mention various parables and metaphors from Scripture concerning nature that are used to explain what spiritual growth looks like. But I won't. The main point is that God is after our hearts. Last year at a communal prayer meeting, someone gave this word: "God wants the one thing He lacks: our hearts."

If we can understand this, if we can learn to see when we look at the mission field not a field of places, cities, circumstances, or things but a field of hearts, cracked, broken, dry, empty, in-need of the Holy Spirit's tilling and not our own, then we will be very good missionaries because we will be looking at the field with His eyes:

Jesus went around to all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom, and curing every disease and illness. At the sight of the crowds, his heart was moved with pity for them because they were troubled and abandoned, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples: 'The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few; so ask the master of the harvest to send out laborers for his harvest.' (Matthew 9: 35-8).

Verses 37-8 are often quoted in reference to mission, but I think it's important to consider what moves Jesus to say what he does: "his heart was moved with pity." Jesus Christ is calling us to have hearts that are movable, as His is movable.

But who can love as Jesus loves? Who can see these crowds not for what they could "do" or "be" but simply as ones who need love? Only one who has received Jesus's heart for mission first and received Jesus's heart for him/herself first. Can missionaries humble themselves enough to believe that they, too, still need to be evangelized by the love of Christ? Can we believe that Jesus Christ looks on us and is "moved with pity" because we are "troubled and abandoned"?

We are in what many Christians call the season of Lent, a time of fasting, prayer, and repentance. Jesus Christ looks on us and is moved. Do we notice His gaze and count ourselves as part of the crowds? Jesus says "Blessed are those who are poor in spirit." Do we know how "poor" we are, that we may know how "blessed" we are?

Let us count ourselves as those who need the Gospel. As we continue to acknowledge this we shall be free to share with others the true nature of the Gospel, that "all [have] fall[en] short of the glory of God"(Romans 3: 23). We will know the nature of the seed we have been given to sow in the little plot of land which God has given to each of us. And we will see the plot of land for what it is, a lovely gift from Him, and will be confident that the One who has placed us where He has an incomprehensible love for each of us.

Someone Else's Wisdom

This is today's Henri Nouwen meditation. Love it!

The Virtue of Flexibility

Trees look strong compared with the wild reeds in the field. But when the storm comes the trees are uprooted, whereas the wild reeds, while moved back and forth by the wind, remain rooted and are standing up again when the storm has calmed down.

Flexibility is a great virtue. When we cling to our own positions and are not willing to let our hearts be moved back and forth a little by the ideas or actions of others, we may easily be broken. Being like wild reeds does not mean being wishy-washy. It means moving a little with the winds of the time while remaining solidly anchored in the ground. A humorless, intense, opinionated rigidity about current issues might cause these issues to break our spirits and make us bitter people. Let's be flexible while being deeply rooted.

Hoping is Believing

Today, I share a few choice thoughts on hope from Thomas Merton. These are from "Sentences on Hope," No Man Is an Island:

But the pride of those who live as if they believed they were better than anyone else is rooted in a secret failure to believe in their own goodness.

Only the man who has had to face despair is really convinced that he needs mercy. Those who do not want mercy never seek it. It is better to find God on the threshold of despair than to risk our lives in a complacency that has never felt the need of forgiveness. A life that is without problems may literally be more hopeless than one that always verges on despair.

The faith that tells me God wills all men to be saved must be completed by the hope that God wills me to be saved, and by the love that responds to His desire and seals my hope with conviction. Thus hope offers the substance of all theology to the individual soul. By hope all the truths that are presented to the whole world in an abstract and impersonal way become for me a matter of personal and intimate conviction.

God bless Thomas Merton. These thoughts on hope express well the thoughts I sometimes have when I observe university students wrestling with the question of the existence of God. I especially think that this is provocative: "A life without problems may literally be more hopeless than one that always verges on despair."

Is that overly dramatic of Merton to say? I don't think so. So many people--and I'm mainly thinking of the students--have not experienced a suffering that has caused them to seek radical mercy. At the University of Michigan, there is, on the whole, a lack of certain types of experiential, deeply personal suffering. Students are educated, bright, capable, responsible, diligent, and many of them have monetary wealth. They're young and in great physical condition. What does the path to belief look like for one who is in possession of all this? Even us who are Christians constantly face the temptation of being in rather than of the world when we come into possession of some of the aforementioned things and so we, at the encouragement of Christ, forsake them.

The cost of having all of these things can oftentimes be a temptation to self-reliance and a belief that one can live their life without Him. Merton expresses this well in the first quote I gave: "The pride of those who live as if they believed they were better than anyone else is rooted in a secret failure to believe in their own goodness." What defines one's "goodness" if intelligence, health, money, and talents do not?

In dictionary.com, "goodness" is defined as:

-moral excellence, virtue

-kindness, generosity

-excellent of quality

-the best part of anything, essence, strength

So, to the world, being "good" means being moral, generous, excellent at things one does, being strong, and being the best. But here's the thing: only God fully embodies all of these qualities: He alone is Virtue, Kindness Itself, and Generous, Excellent, the Best, and Strength. I think that sometimes, we can misunderstand the heart of what God says about our identity. Our egos are so easily offended when we are forced to admit that we are not the source of our own goodness. Of course we are all of these things that the dictionary lists; we were created in His image and likeness.

God is our Father, and so we've inherited and reflect His goodness. What child with blonde hair would make this claim: "I am fully responsible for the blonde-ness of my hair, I and I alone. I pat myself on the back because I have blonde hair, and I like it." This would be absurdity. It was a matter of genes; the child inherited her blonde hair from someone. The same is true for our good spiritual qualities: they are a matter of spiritual genes. To deny this is to deny the relationship we have with our Father. This is the primary offense: we deny that God's love for us created us and placed us in relationship with Him.

Suffering and moments of self-realization of our shortcomings force us to question how those have come to happen. Thus some people come to believe that God is actually bad, evil, manipulative, and maniacal. They see expressions of what is bad and evil in others, the world, and themselves, and they think that these things have been passed along via the genes of a bad god. The assertion that we--and the Devil, one who also denied his relationship with his Creator--might be responsible for the evils in the world is overwhelming and is our blind spot. If a driver of a car hits a pedestrian who is crossing the road and who has the right of way, who is responsible for the death of the pedestrian? The driver who has a blind spot or the pedestrian? The question of the existence of God, I think, sometimes comes down to a matter of whether we can believe that we have a blind spot, and that this blind spot causes harm. Even if we have experienced a meagre amount of personal suffering, of being sinned against by the world or others, can we admit that we are capable of hurting others? The first step is admitting that we may have harmed others and thus ourselves--and then, ultimately, God.

I close with brief reflection on the third Merton quote: "The faith that tells me that God wills all men to be saved must be completed by the hope that God wills me to be saved..." Faith is incomplete when we only see the needs of others. To believe that only those without food or clothes are in real need is insufficient faith. We all suffer from spiritual poverty, a poverty of the heart. As Merton says, the first person's needs we need to see is our own, our own heart poverty. We need to see our own need for God, and that will change the way we see everything.

For we are saved by hope. But hope that is seen is not hope. For what a man seeth, why doth he hope for?

-Romans 8: 24

Growing into God's Apron

Tonight, I baked white chocolate chip dried cranberry walnut cookies, and they weren't for any UCO event. I started building a house out of Legos. I read Calvin and Hobbes. I finally feel like I'm taking a Sabbath, and I've been trying to do so for five days! Writing here every day is a part of this extended Sabbath experience, and I am grateful.

---

Growth. How does it happen in the spiritual life? God's shown me a bit about growth through some fun things, like a book called Ella Takes the Cake, a children's book in which a little girl elephant is asked to run errands for her mother elephant who owns a bakery. The child Ella is asked to deliver a really fancy cake, and she has some troubles in trying to deliver the cake. But at the end of the book, the mother comforts and encourages Ella and then asks Ella if she would help her bake in the kitchen. Ella is stunned. The mother elephant gives her an apron, but Ella tells her mother that the apron is too big for her. The mother wisely says, "It may be too big for you now, but you'll grow into it."

God has told me many times in the past several years, "The apron I'm giving you now is too big, but I'm giving it to you so that you can grow into it." Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by God's call on my life, which is made concrete through various challenges in various areas of my life.

The apron metaphor reveals something of God's vision for us. He sees not just who we have been or who presently are but also who we will become. Because in Him there is no past, present, or future, He looks at us, works in us and through our construct of time and space and sees who we will become and wisely gives us aprons which are yet too big. And what if we make a mistake? What if we make a big mistake? It's okay. He's the One who gave us the apron and the tasks that go with it in the first place. He's not looking for perfection but a willingness to be confident and to begin being person who was made to fill out His too-big apron.

So, if we find the Lord giving us something--a task, challenge, blessing, etc.--that is clearly beyond our current capability to manage or steward, we need not worry. This is the apron that is clearly too big for us but that we will grow into. We can take it as a compliment from Him. David was a shepherd boy a field. Mary was a teenage girl. Peter was a fisherman.

Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

-Luke 12: 27, NIV

Let's grow in holiness as the lilies do--without labor or spinning. Let's allow the Lord to dress us in the splendor of His blessings, His crosses which are always blessing, and His love.

Coming to the End of Myself

Well, I am trying to retreat and rest, but it's been difficult. I did my taxes today because you know, that's so relaxing and retreat-esque. Actually, doing taxes did relieve some stress!

But, overall, I am, as some have put it for me, "Coming to the end of myself."

Thus, I've prescribed myself to consider rest, burnout, and the like this week. During these past few days, I read a book entitled Watch Out for Burnout: A Look at Its Signs, Prevention, and Cure. This quote caught my eye:

Multiple causes account for dropout, but studies show acute fatigue one significant dynamic. The current duration-of-service norm for inner-city social workers and inner-city lawyers turns out to be only two years. One stateside psychiatrist says 50 percent of his clients are missionaries. A long-time missionary comments that a typical overseas worker lasts five to six years.

I found this very striking: half of a psychiatrist's clients were missionaries!

The book overall was not incredibly helpful, but I'd gotten it as a freebie about a year ago and hadn't read it straight through. Even reading an entire book on the subject of burnout was really helpful.

Perhaps the most fun and interesting chapter in the book was "The Healing Power of Humor." The author posits that having a sense of humor is a preventative and a healer of burnout, which is true, but I love that humor gets its own chapter! Here we go. This is good for me to read:

Humor allows us to live with the contradictions of life. The man who must always act rationally kills himself with intensity. He will embarrass himself by his own contradictory behavior. People laugh at his over-seriousness, but he cannot laugh at himself. To laugh at one's inconsistency reveals the deepest consistency...Humor allows us to live comfortably with ourselves...Perfectionism is the worst kind of seriousness, a poison that brings death to liberty and rigor mortis to the spirit. Humor is the antibiotic that heals the terribly perfect...

And another:

Work comes easier after side-splitting humor. Machinery moves more smoothly. Hope makes its reentry quickly, quietly, almost unawares. Possibilities grow luminous. Artifice and therefore stress disappear. When wheels squeak, apply the grease of humor.

So, yes, burnout. While I didn't find the book altogether that earth-shattering, I really liked the topics which were chosen for chapters:

God's Healing
The Healing Power of Humor
Genuine Spirituality
Stress and Distress
The Therapy of Creativity
God's Gift of Self-Esteem
Physical Fitness
Time
Family
Facing Fear
Converting Anger
Dealing with Guilt

What I liked about the table of contents is that the list is, I think a very creative, insightful and also Christian. But the book, on the whole, was a bit too psychologically-based; there was a particular emphasis on Jungian psychology. I would have liked to have seen the book more firmly and closely tied to Christian teaching and then been given practical suggestions on how to make changes in my life...

...Because here's the thing: knowing oneself, the basis of Jungian psychology, really only goes so far, but goes a decent distance, I think, in being the solution to caring for oneself and being a disciple. It's not self-knowledge that brings lasting freedom but that knowledge put into action, in real choices, and in Christ. If I simply know Lynne better, will I not burn out? That's part of it, sure.

But more fundamentally, I can trust that God knows me better than I could ever know myself, and my life is safe in His hands. Even when things look bad and I am at 'the end of myself,' He is there. Even when I don't understand something in my life or a reaction I have or an emotion I feel, He is there, and He alone is unchanging. Even when He is asking me to do something that "I" normally wouldn't do, He is there, still asking, still meaning to love me and others. For example, someone this year told me they thought I was quite the extrovert. And my reaction was "Huh? Heck no!" But through the Holy Spirit and over the past several years, I've been able to increase the amount of time and energy I can be around people and at some level, deny myself the luxury of only living out of who I am and what my preferences are, even if and especially if I know them. The essence of Polonius's stupid yet wise remark "To thine own self be true!" is and is not the answer to dealing with suffering and burnout.

Anyways. So the book wasn't stellar, but it provided good food for thought; it got some balls rolling in my head --not bad for a free book!

Link to "Pink" Piece

Here is the link to the newest version of the "Pink" post, as promised:

http://www.swordofthespirit.net/bulwark/march10p4.htm

Kicking Crutches

It has been a lively week for this UCO staff worker! I had a sense, about 1-2 weeks ago, that the Lord wanted to give the Ann Arbor UCO Summer Household ladies a home before UofM's spring break. Why is this significant? Because it can be a jungle of a process to find the right kind of housing for Women's SHH. I won't bore or stress you with the details of that process! But I can say that I believe God gave me extra zeal and wisdom so that I could help Him fulfill this word. Yesterday was the final day before UofM's spring break and, lo and behold, our faithful God did secure a house for us; a deposit was paid and a form was signed. There is at least one household of six women (that is, six women have committed 100 percent) at this point, praise God!

Throughout these past two weeks, the Lord's been speaking to me via this housing search about confidence and humility. First, confidence: God seeks a faithful yet decisive servant. He wants the kind of servant who, while the Master is away, goes ahead and takes risks in order to double the amount of talents originally given to him by the Master. This kind of servant knows his Master that well, that His Master is demanding. (Matthew 25:20)

Mary at Bethany: she poured out the oil and wiped Jesus's feet with it and her hair. Did he say to her, "Mary, take this oil, pour it out on my feet, and wipe my feet with your hair"? No. She took the initiative. She didn't have to ask Him or need Him to ask her to do this specifically. She knew Him. (John 12: 1-8)

There are other examples. In the Parable of the Prodigal Son, the father needs to make it explicit to the older son that the older son had always been welcome to have a celebration with friends. Clearly, the older son has not taken the kind of initiative that the tennant and Mary do. There is still something lacking in the older son's understanding of his father's love and nature. Similarly, the father needs to put the robe on the younger son's shoulders and encourage this son to feel welcome as a son rather than a slave. The younger son still has more to learn about his father's love. (Luke 15: 11-32)

As I have already said, I think the Lord has been revealing more about confidence and humility to me through my SHH housing search in ways similar to those in these Scriptural examples. Okay: what is humility not? It does not consist of focusing on weakness or defects; that too, is an expression of pride, this kind of self-deprecation. This self-decprecation is sinful because it consists of a focus on the self rather than God.

True humility exists when our eyes are fixed on Him alone, when our hearts are fixed on the state of His rather than the state of our own, however 'good' or 'bad' that state might be. In times of blessing, all he asks is that we thank Him. In times of distress, all He asks is that we turn to Him. True humility says "I need the Lord" not only because we "know" by faith and by the Bible that we "need" Him. No; even more profoundly, true humility says "I need Him because I love Him." Our love for Him becomes so strong that we can say it is a matter of need. An example: when a man or woman says that they "need" another man or woman, what they mean to express is really love.

God makes it very clear throughout Scripture, in such examples as I have already given, that He does not "need" a slave. He is God: He does not "need" anything or anyone. He wants and desires to lavish love on sons and daughters. He wants the older son to come inside, the younger son to feel comfortable dressed in fine things, to give His children the Kingdom. He wants the Samaritan woman to not just have water but Himself.

Perhaps a more radical example is Job. So often times, I wonder if we say "Poor Job!" too quickly. I wonder whether we can say, "Blessed Job!" The Lord does not want Job to just have good or bad things. God is after the full capacity of Job's heart to love. God cares more about the heart of Job than He cares about the earthly concerns Job has. God's unrelenting and perfect love for Job drove Him to purify Job's heart, even if that meant suffering and ridicule for Job. And then He lavished on Job and gave back to him tenfold all the more because that is the good nature of our God!

God's love for His children is truly relentless and pure. How could we ever hope to imiate such love in our response to Him if He didn't so strongly encourage us to sacrifice all for Him? He knows our condition, our weakness, so He made His loving encouragement Law. And when we failed to keep that, to fully receive His love through perfect obedience to the Law, He sent His own Son, Jesus Christ, that we might be assured all the more that He understands our Fallen condition and so that ultimately, we might be saved from our condition.

Yet His Law and His Son remain the keys to understanding our Father's heart. His Law is not to be discounted. It is an instruction manual to God's heart; we learn much about how He loves and His Nature when we study and keep His Commandments. If it seems as though God has unreasonably high expectations of us, if the Commandments seem too strict, this is only because of our woundedness not His unreasonableness.

And yet we have a Divine Physician, Jesus Christ, who heals us through His death and resurrection! The title of this post is "Kicking Crutches." God has, as I've said in various ways throughout this post, been encouraging me to kick the crutches of fear and self. God has been showing me that although I am a sinner, with His grace, I can really be confident and run. We can kick crutches and run on His strength and grace. We can seek and expect to find the unexpected. We can find a housing situation in downtown Ann Arbor for two months before the end of February. We can walk on water as long as we don't look down and look up at Him. We can trust the grain of wheat to grow even if we can't always see it growing from beneath the ground.

We really can, do, and love "through Jesus Christ who strengthens us" (Philippians 4:13).

The Goodness of Having Roots

A Disclaimer: At points, this is a more "Catholic" (ie, I use language specific to Catholicism) post than this writer would normally post, but since this blog is this blogger's personal blog and contains reflections on her personal expression of faith and experience of God, but also since she is a great advocate of ecumenism, she is writing with reference to aspects of Catholicism and also giving a disclaimer. This is post about how I've experienced the love of God in my life, and that happens to be through particular aspects of Catholicism. So, I hope this does not offend but inspire!

You know what? I love writing. I cannot explain to you, even in words, even in words and with the grace of the Holy Spirit, explain to you how much I love writing. It is with a supernatural, Godly love that I love writing. Thank you, God, for calling me to such a vocation.

This afternoon, I've been cleaning up, editing, adding, subtracting, shaping, and praying into the most recent blog post. I'll post a link to this new version of the "My New Favorite Color: Pink" post once it is re-published.

Working this post into a new-ish piece has led me to think more about my dear friend whom the post mentions. She must be praying for me these days, or God wants me to pray for her, or both, because I've been reminded of her in small ways often in the past week and a half, beginning with being asked to edit the "Pink" post. Some examples: I met someone with name last week, and the next day, saw a truck with her last name on it pass me on the road. More small things like these have led me to pray for and think of her and her wonderful family.

I often find that God leads me to write about that subject which He has more teaching for me in. (Can you really end a sentence with a preposition like that? No. It makes me cringe...but it's staying.) So this afternoon, I wrote about: my friend, radical discipleship, martyrdom, living single for the Lord, and how to love the world as Christ does. These are not new things to think about, these things I was thinking and writing about this afternoon. I was mainly doing a lot of remembering this afternoon. And so, I've been silently asking Him as I've been writing and thinking this afternoon, "What are you trying to show me?"

"Go back to your roots. Remember how much I have loved you."

This morning, the responsorial Psalm at Mass was one that I have known since kindergarten. The Communion meditation song was one I have known just as long. Singing them was going back to my roots, and this experience was a simple and sweet gift for today. In singing this Psalm and then the other song, I recalled that I am known by the Lord and that we have a history that is very special to Him. And so, this post is mainly about being rooted in the Lord, what do our roots look like, and I'm going to share a bit about some of my "roots."

---

When I was a freshman in high school, my mother had to get to her job early in the morning, which meant that she had to drop me off at school very early in the morning, early enough that there wasn't anyone for me to talk to at the school when she dropped me off. In the fall of my freshman year, sometime near the beginning of the school year, I found myself at school, bored, feeling awkward and lonely, wandering the halls trying to distract myself from these observations.

Then, I hear voices. Where are they coming from? What group of people would be hear so early in the morning? I keep walking the halls, listening and following the voices I hear. Then, I see it: the school chapel, filled with a small crowd of people, lights blazing, and the sacrifice of the Mass being celebrated, just like it is on Sundays, right here, on a weekday, in my very own school.

I can't remember if I walked in that day or sometime within the next few days, but after that day, I knew what I would be doing before school every day that I could until I graduated. I would be at daily Mass. Before that day of following voices, I didn't even know that Mass was celebrated every weekday. I mean, I think I knew it, but I really didn't understand or see those people who actually go to Mass during the week and not just on Sundays.

I did go to daily Mass almost every day during my four years of high school and prayed in the school chapel when I could get to it on my lunch hour. It was such a safe, beautiful, holy place.

Well, daily Mass has become one of those "roots" of my faith. When I first came to college, I felt lost. One of the first things I decided I would do would be to try to go to daily Mass sometimes, so that I would at least be able to encounter God in some familiar, everyday way. There were a lot of uncertainties about this new city, this new schedule and lifestyle, that of a college student, but at least the Mass would be familiar, would be a foundation and compass. And so, throughout college, there were seasons during which I was able to go to daily Mass, thank the Lord.

To this day, when I face confusion, attack, or discouragement, I turn to God in the Mass, and I find in this His resting place, His comfort, and my well-worn place in His presence. Each time I go to Mass, particularly daily Mass, I am aware of my freedom in Him. I think, "I've been here before. I've been here, here in Christ's presence. I can relax." I felt that way this morning, and I was so comforted by the fact that I can still keep going to church, going to Mass and letting God cast out my fears and questions as I have for the past sixteen years.

I just love the Lord so much for giving me a history that has details, specific blessings, memories, and graces with Him. I think the prophets and Psalmists in Scripture feel similarly. They are forever recounting the deeds of the Lord, the history of God's faithfulness to the Israelites, as they turn to praise or seek the Lord in their present circumstance. I said at the beginning of this post that I couldn't find words to express how much I love writing. Same with the Lord--it's hard to express accurately and fully my love for the Lord and nature of God. One way of doing so though is to recount His deeds, concrete times and ways in which He has been at work in my life and others'. I think that oftentimes, when we say to one another, "Hey, remember when..." what we're really saying is "I enjoyed doing that with you" or "I love you." I see this happen with the children I nanny. They often say to me, to one another, or to their parents, "Remember when _____ happened? That was great!" or "Remember when we did _____?" I personally and especially love when they remember how I beat them at Go Ninja Go or made them the sandwich they wanted. :)

In conclusion, perhaps I will exhort you to recount your own "roots" in your relationship with the Lord: what are the strong ones? He's the source, He Himself, not memories, instances of grace, etc. Him and Him alone. But, as I think I've already said, He gives us roots, things to help us stayed connected to Him and to understand His nature and love for us, and so it's good and right to recount the roots and thank Him for them:

"We will not hide [the things that we have heard and known, that our fathers have told us],
but tell to the coming generation
the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might,
and the wonders that he has done.

-Psalm 78: 4, ESV

My New Favorite Color: Pink

Christmas may be over, but I'm still meditating on the Annunciation, the event in which the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary in Luke 1 and exhorted her not to be afraid, but because God favored her, she would give birth to and mother His Son Jesus Christ.

I was re-reading a blog post I wrote on April 29, and what I quoted from the George Weigel book continues to call me on. Again, he makes these four points about Mary's "Yes":



1. She did not keep her options open
2. She did not negotiate
3. She did not have an 'exit' strategy
4. She did not ask for a contract



This past weekend, I attended the Kairos Winter Conference (http://winterconference.info/). The theme was "Love for the World." We talked much about martyrdom. We talked about what it means to give a complete "Yes" to the Lord.


My friend used to tell me that her one dream was to be a "pink" martyr. My first reaction to this was Oh, she wants to be a very feminine martyr? Well, she explained to me that she wanted to be both a "white" and a "red" martyr, to live her life for Christ and also to die as a martyr. White + Red = Pink. This young woman is now a part of a cloistered Catholic religious order. I only knew her, really, for two weeks, but those two weeks of witnessing her every day life continues to inspire me. She continues to serve as a model of holiness for me. What she did were things such as: pray, laugh, speak of the Lord, read Scripture, serve her housemates, be my friend, babysit, sing, slide down bannisters, and go for walks. She also drank about 6 cups of coffee a day, three in the morning, three at night. Now, I like to tell myself that you can be a martyr and drink your share of coffee, after seeing how much she drank!


Anyways, there was nothing fancy about her life, not really. But the ways in which she lived her every day life were graceful, grace-filled. She is a martyr, what some of us might call a "walking saint." Some wonder at the idea of living one's life in a cloister. Some people say, "What a waste! Just sitting inside walls, praying, when they can be changing the world!" But I have often known, with full confidence, that her prayers for me carry me through times of distress. I often think about those two weeks, look back at my journal entries from those two weeks, hoping to learn something new about discipleship from these two weeks. She wasn't perfect--I saw her weakness, but what was remarkable about her was her confidence in the Lord. Her joyful confidence in God's love for her was the foundation of her life.


This was the take-home message of the Conference: We are called to be martyrs in our every day lives, in our words, and perhaps, if God wills it, in our deaths. At the women's session, we talked about how full confidence and knowledge of God's love for us is the key to giving that love to others, to becoming martyrs. Therese of Lisieux's Little Way is the "hidden" path to Heaven is confidence in God's love for us. It's the core of 1 John, particularly 1 John 3 and 4. "Perfect love casts out fear."


So: Is martyrdom hard, intense work? I suppose it can feel so at times, and Satan would like us to think it thus. But my cloistered friend, Therese, John, and the Lord himself, who says "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light," all remind me that martyrdom is an expression of love, a response to and a reflection of Love Himself. And Love Himself says to us, just as Gabriel says to Mary, "Do not be afraid, for the favor of the Lord is upon you." We are God's children, and we need not be afraid, for His favor is upon us.